Hopefully y’all don’t mind some really real, heart-level posts back-to-back. I promise to get back to our regularly scheduled oils & fitness programming soon. There’s just a lot swirling in my heart right now and I think it’s too good not to share!
To be very transparent, this summer has been hard. Hard in a beautiful, wonderful, awestruck kind of way…. but still hard. God is evidently on the move and in His moving He has been moving a lot of the people who are close to me and moving me into a season that feels indefinitely transitory. And the darn thing is He didn’t ask my permission before doing any of it. I keep thinking that maybe if He had checked in and gotten my “okay” first that it would be a whole lot easier to have a good attitude about it all, but the lack of consideration has flared up a toxic indignant spirit in me that I don’t like at all. It leaks out all the time and makes a mess in the relationships that matter the most. Without even realizing it, I have found myself embittered towards people who I consider to be key-holders of my destiny to avoid being bitter towards God.
It comes in waves, and I would say more of my time in this season has been positive and anticipatory of the good things to come than has been negative and fearful. When I zoom out and see how God is tying all these strands together to create something I never could have concocted on my own, I am grateful and excited and realize how this life is so much bigger than myself. That’s what I have been feeling for the past few weeks- so excited and so positive. To the point that I think I became reliant on my own heart and flesh to conjure up these good feelings; I forgot about the posture of submission that allowed me to adopt a good attitude in the first place.
My weak heart collapses pretty quick, and this weekend sent me into a tailspin of fear and frustration. The weight of trying to process the different potential outcomes of this season and resigning myself to being okay with all of them, as well as the frustration of continuing on with the outcome unknown felt crushing. This morning as I was praying and pleading with God to help me work out these crazy things in my heart, I was reminded of the eternal perspective that gave me joy in this season before it was drowned out by my screaming flesh. He reminded me again of the thing He keeps telling me over and over when I want to scream at Him about how unfair this feels–
It’s about the Kingdom.
And somehow those 4 words shift everything.
It’s not about me; it’s about the Kingdom.
what. a. relief.
Does it matter if I like where I end up living? Not really. Does it matter if relationships have the outcome or timing I desire? Also no. Am I entitled to have a say in deciding every step of my future? Praise God, those decisions are not on me!
There is one thing I know to be true– my God will receive glory and His Kingdom will be expanded.
There is one other thing I know to be true– my heart will only ever be satisfied if I am glorifying God and working to see His Kingdom expanded.
I have the assurance that wherever He moves me, wherever He keeps me, and whatever relationships I do or do not have will be intentionally determined for the sake of the Kingdom. If I continue to preach the truth to myself that my satisfaction will only be found in Kingdom work and glorifying God and that these things are His intentions for me, then I can trust that no matter what happens it will undoubtedly be for my best and His glory. And in that truth I don’t just find relief, I find joy! I can see every known and unknown up ahead as the grandest sort of adventure with eternal value, and I get to be a part of a story that is so much bigger than myself!
I know these truths are easier to believe in some moments than in others, so today and this week and this month I am holding onto these verses from Psalm 73:
25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
My prayer is that as God becomes my sole desire in heaven and on earth, He will strengthen my failing heart and be the portion for my failing flesh.